Well, I think it's time.
Since our lives seem to be moving forward now, I think it is time to quit ignoring what happened over the Fourth of July weekend. Because it isn't something I ignore from day to day. And something is telling me that my story might help someone -- at least by knowing there is someone else out there, too.
We found out that we were expecting baby #2 on May 20, 2011.

And we found out we lost our baby on July 2, 2011.
We were so excited to find that we were going to be welcoming a new baby into our family. We had names picked out -- much more quickly than last time. We had nursery themes ready. We had people ready to contact about boy's clothes if necessary.
And all the while, I had a nagging feeling this was not OK.
I didn't feel morning sickness -- but chalked it up to "all pregnancies are different." I had some occasional sharp pains in my stomach area -- but thought my body was just adjusting.
On July 1, a Friday, I started to have some darkish brown discharge. I was really worried. But I have a tendency to over-analyze. So I prayed and tried not to worry. Saturday morning when I woke up, I saw the worst thing I'll ever see.
I called my doctor. She said it sounded like I was miscarrying & that I should get to the ER.
"Is there anything they can do at this point?" I asked. But I already knew the answer.
Hesitantly, she said, "No. I'm so sorry."
We made our way to the ER, met up with my sister, brother, and a close friend of my mom's. (My parents were out of town on vacation.) Sister & Brother took Lil to my grandma's house for the day while we stayed at the hospital. By 8:00, everything was in full-swing. I was getting checked, sonograms, morphine... I was miscarrying at 13 weeks.
And by 3:00 that day, we were eating a late lunch at Jimmy John's. Everything was over.
Physically.
Emotionally, I still deal with our loss every day. Every time a significant occasion arises, I think,
"I should have been pregnant right now."When it reached what should have been my 20-week check up, I thought about whether that baby was a boy or girl.
When January rolls around, I am sure I will think about what that baby looks like.
What makes me feel better? Initially, I'd like to say nothing.
But that's not true.
"He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said." Job 2:10
Who knows better than God? Not me, that's for sure.
And although since that moment in July I feel like we've been pushed close to our limits, I know we haven't. I know so many people have it so much worse.
But you know what? I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. One who is so happy right now -- so happy I can't even imagine.
And -- I'll be honest -- I was hesitant to put this up. Posting about my miscarriage online? Wow. Pushing privacy a little, I agree. But if it weren't for reading about
Blair's,
Katie's, or
Leah's miscarriage experiences, I might not have known how to deal. I might not have known what was normal to feel. What
IS normal to feel. Because, frankly, you don't
stop feeling.
These girls have amazing stories. I have chosen not to go into full detail on the pain, both emotionally and physically right now. But, please...
PLEASE ... if you need to talk to someone about your experience, feel free to email me. I'd be honored to listen to your story. To tell you it is normal to feel pain in your heart. And to be there for support.
In no way am I saying that by being willing to listen to you that I am healed -- over it -- or ready to move on. I am dealing. And I think that is all anyone can ask of a mother who just lost her baby.