This past weekend was the last nursing session Lillian and I had. It was a really tough decision for me. I can totally see how some moms bf until their kids are like, 10.... although, maybe not.
It all started when I was starting to go back to work. I was only going 1 day a week, so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. However, since Lil and I were together 24/7, I nursed her every time and never pumped. When I was able to pump, I didn't get near enough for a feeding.
So, the weekend before I knew I had to work on a Tuesday, I freaked out about what I was going to do about feeding times while I was gone. I am lucky enough to have my mom as my babysitter and to work only 5 minutes from her house. Although I called our lactation consultant, I hadn't heard back from her by the time I needed a solution. So, I bought the formula brand that the hospital sent us home with when Lil was born. I arranged that my mom would bring Lil to me at lunch time so I could nurse her. Between that and the few bottles I was able to pump, we didn't have to use formula at all that day. However, it took me a couple weeks to get one day's worth of milk pumped.
Therefore, my thoughts were always on my production. My lactation consultant called me back and gave me a few pointers on getting some pumped in storage. The solutions were so ridiculous. I mean, they were doable, sure... if I had someone to help me. But at a lot of feeding times, it's just me and Lil. So, after talking with Brandon, I decided that I would nurse until I had to work, then she could have formula when I'm not there. It was a fine solution. Until we started thinking about having another baby...
That just blew my mind. I mean, I've had Lillian dependent upon me since Nov. 2009. That's almost a year and a half! Then, to go straight from bf to being pregnant to bf-ing again!?!? It's totally selfish, I know. But I need my body back first. I need/want to get into better shape for the next pregnancy. I want to focus on my body without thinking about what I am doing affecting Lillian. (Brandon told me, & I know it's true, that this really isn't a valid point, but...)
So, I started transitioning her to a bottle of formula instead of a feeding every day. The first time, I was thinking she would put up a horrible fight. But, no. Since she's used to a bottle, she drank fine. Didn't spit up at all. Slept like a champ after. So, my guilt slowly faded. I would give it about a week, then change another feeding to formula. I wanted to do it slow for her - give her the bmilk as long as possible... slow for me - as much as I felt it was time, it was still tearing me up knowing she wouldn't need me in that way anymore... and slow for me - b/c I just KNEW it would hurt!
This past weekend I realized I was only feeding her in the middle of the night and before her morning nap. Since those were the two times she ate for the least amount of time, I knew it wouldn't be long until we were done. Saturday, I nursed her before her afternoon nap. She ate really well and we enjoyed the time together. I told her this would be one of the last times we would be like this.
Then Saturday night, during the night feeding, she was not getting satisfied. She ate for a few minutes then she would suck then pull off and whine and cry, then try again. It wasn't like when she was teething. She wanted to eat, but there was not enough for her. So I decided it was time. Time for me to suck it up and be a big girl.
Since 5 AM Sunday morning, we've been on formula. It's different, strange, and kind of sad. But I am excited to bf my next baby. I know what to expect now. I know what I'll do differently. But most importantly, I know I'll enjoy it.
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